Dear Andie, 

A friend of mine is always coming to me to talk badly about our other friends when they get into a fight. It puts me in an awkward position and is annoying to me because it feels like the only time we talk is when she’s on the outs with everyone else. Two days ago, after she got into another argument with a friend of ours, she came to me and wanted to talk to me about it. I didn’t really engage and told her that she should just go sort it out with the friend instead of gossiping about it with me. She went a bit cold and left. Now, she says everything is fine but secretly I feel like she’s mad at me. What should I do? I don’t want to keep being her vent but I also don’t want to lose a friend. How do I set a boundary while letting her know I still care about her?

Troubled, 

More Than a Vent

Dear More Than a Vent,

Thanks for reaching out. This is definitely a hard situation but I think you’ve handled it pretty well so far. Letting her know that you didn’t want to be involved in her other friend’s issues or gossip about them was a great start.

First of all, if you really value her as a friend, talk to her about the situation. Let her know that you didn’t mean to cause any tension in the friendship but that being put in the middle of her and her friends’ issues made you uncomfortable. Talking about problems like this is always better than just leaving it up in the air for assumptions to be made which may lead to further issues.

It’s also okay to take a look at the friendship from a different perspective. If you’re realizing she was mostly just coming to you to vent about her problems and that it felt like a one-sided friendship, then it makes sense for you to feel frustrated or used. You don’t need to cut her off completely, but put up a boundary. Let her know how you feel. Explain to her that you value your friendship but that you sometimes feel like the backup option. See how a conversation like that would go. She will either see her faults and take accountability, or pull away, but either way you’ll know you did your best and were honest about your feelings.